Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
