he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i will never coherently bang her
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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