my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
