1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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