I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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