What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
