My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
