I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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