Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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