I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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