He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
