spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
