I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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