I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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