Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
