How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
