Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
