You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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