DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
