I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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