my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
its liver damage thursday
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
