The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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