GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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