I think my fart just growled at me.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
