walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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