I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
