she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
