Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
