I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
