dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
