I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
