YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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