whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
