My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
