He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
