Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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