Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
