I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
