I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
