Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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