Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
