I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i've created a new STD.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
