Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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