I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
