my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
