All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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