you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
