i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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