If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
