The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
